


I don't know how you do it

by Winchestackles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Arguing, Bar, Bunker, Drinking, F/M, First Kiss, Flirting, Karaoke, Swearing, Towels, flaring tempers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:22:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21739051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winchestackles/pseuds/Winchestackles
Summary: "I don't know how you do it...making love out of nothing at all."
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Original Female Character(s), Sam Winchester/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 7





	I don't know how you do it

Toweling my hair dry, I stepped into the library, surprised to see Dean there with a book in his hand. Now while it wasn’t too odd for the man to be spotted with a book, the library of the bunker was one area he was known to avoid whenever possible.

That was why I thought it would be ok for me to head inside with nothing but my towel on.

Boy was I wrong.

“Hey” I lamely said, when the man glanced up at me from his Egyptology book.

“Hey” he replied nonchalantly.

And, why shouldn’t he?

He wasn’t the one with the silly little crush, I was.

Only it wasn’t little.

I had fallen deeply in love with the man against my better judgment.

At best, to him, I was nothing more than one of the guys with girl parts.

Family, like a little sister, even.

He had never shown me a lick of interest.

And, why should he?

I was just plain jane.

Sure, I could wrestle with werewolves and shoot the face off a dime 150 yards away…but I wasn’t model pretty and I was awkward as hell.

Not to mention shy as fuck.

Which reminded me…

Blushing deeply, I grabbed ahold of my towel a little tighter and apologized for being seen with it on.

“Sorry, I had no idea you were going to be in here. I just left my research…” I trailed off and hurried to the table I had left my books and papers on.

I threw everything in my bag, taking a relieving breath in when I saw my diary amongst the papers, still locked and still private.

I had totally forgotten that I was writing in it before I decided to take a shower.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I was writing about Dean, as I often did, and how he seemed to be a different Dean than before. Ever since our last case, he acted differently, especially around me. Granted, I had taken a bullet to the abdomen, and I very nearly died, not to mention the long-term, devastating consequences that I must live with now. But it was all to save Dean. I had taken the bullet so Dean didn’t have to and I’d do it again, if given the chance. Because love aside, Dean was an amazing human being and a good person. And with all the hell he’s had to endure all his life, he deserves to live.

And be loved.

But that’s another story.

It’s just that ever since that case, from the moment I was released from the hospital, Dean had been acting differently towards me.

Not in a bad way.

No if anything, we’ve become closer.

He hovered over me the first week of my at-home recovery, motherhenning me, making sure I didn’t get up unless it was to the bathroom, I took all my meds _on time_ and just doing little things for me like fluffing my pillow, entertaining me to keep my mind off my pain and injuries and bringing me food and drink.

The second week of my recovery, he “loosened the leash” and allowed me to get out of bed and roam around the bunker, not doing much, but not being stuck in bed all day.

By one month since my injuries, Dean was no longer “babying” me, but he was very much present in nearly everything I did.

Which I obviously didn’t mind, but at the same time, I questioned it.

Was it the scare of nearly losing me that had him suddenly so interested in everything I did?

Did he feel guilty that I had saved his life to the sacrifice of my own?

Was this his way of calling us even?

Sam was absolutely no help in the matter. He noticed the changes in his brother too but didn’t think it was something to worry about nor was it something to be brought up with the man himself. Because a put-on-the-spot Dean was a grumpy Dean and nobody wanted that.

While I was healing, Sam took over all the chores I normally did, which wasn’t a surprise since we usually shared the chores anyways. It wasn’t out of character for Sam to be nice to me and do things for me and want to hang out with me.

Sam was my best friend and the one I went to when Dean would break my heart. Sam knew about the crush I had on his brother. He frowned down on it because he knew his womanizing brother would never change his ways and he didn’t want me to be hurt. But he could understand the “charm” his brother had and would always set up a horror movie and ice cream marathon whenever Dean ran off with the blonde bimbo of the week he snagged from the bars.

“I’m just gonna…” I awkwardly jerked my head towards the door and hurried out of the room, not stopping until I made it into my room and slammed the door shut.

I dropped my bag and threw myself onto my bed.

World swallow me whole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After I had gotten dressed and regained some of my dignity, I headed into the den with the intent on watching a Rom Com.

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I was definitely _not_ a girly girl…but deep down, I was a helpless romantic who just wanted to be in a loving relationship that offered cuddles and hand-holding.

Sappy, yes, I know.

But I kept that buried deep inside…and deep in my diary, which I kept hidden under a loose tile in my closet floor.

I took the long way to the den, the one that lead me by the garage. I heard some light banging, so I knew Dean was busy in there tinkering with something, so I’d be ok with watching my girly movie without a risk of being walked in on or made fun of.

Next, I made a pit stop in the kitchen and whipped up some popcorn, because movie time is so much better with corn.

And finally, I made it into the den, put in my DVD and plopped myself onto the couch for some uninterrupted me time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My _me time_ lasted a whopping fifteen minutes.

“Hey Kris, whatcha watching?” Dean asked, coming into the den and plopping himself down on the couch next to me and stealing a handful of popcorn, shoveling it into his mouth.

I paused my movie and sighed.

“A chick-flick” I admitted, knowing I didn’t have it in me to the lie to the man.

Dean stared at me for a minute, like he had never seen me before.

“Seriously?” he finally broke the awkward silence.

“Seriously” I confirmed.

“You? A chick-flick?” he asked, sounding stunned.

“Crazier things have been known to happen” I merely shrugged and turned back to my movie and pushed play.

I fully expected Dean to bail.

Dean was the _king_ of “no chick-flick” moments, as he usually referred to feelings.

So, when he spoke still from besides me, I jumped a little.

“What’s it about?” he asked.

I turned to look at the man.

His stunningly emerald green eyes bore honest curiosity in them.

“Well the main character Sophie is a writer and is looking for a big break. Her fiancé is a chef who is about to open up a restaurant and wants to travel to Italy to look for suppliers. She agrees to go with him on the pretense that it was going to be a trip for them to spend time together from their busy lives, you know, like a pre-honeymoon. Well he ends up ditching her for all these business opportunities, so she’s stuck in a foreign country, not knowing anyone or anything. Well she ends up stumbling upon this wall in Barcelona, the Juliet wall, where Juliet leaned out and heard Romeo profess his love to her. People come from all over the world to write to Juliet and place their letters on the wall. One day, Sophie notices a woman come and collect all the letters and she follows her and discovers that she is part of a group of women who collect the letters and write back to the owners, giving them advice on their problems. She decides to join them in writing people back and discovers a letter that was hidden behind a rock, and old letter and she responds to it. The woman the letter was to, comes to Italy and seeks her out and they set out on an adventure to find her long-lost love Lorenzo. The woman’s grandson tags along for the journey because his grandma is old and frail, which she isn’t and complains the whole entire time.”

Dean, who had been listening intently this entire time, was now looking at me with his eyebrow raised, as in disbelief.

“It’s funny and cute and happens to be a favorite of mine” I said defensively, blushing deeply.

“Sounds like it” Dean finally said. “How about you start it from the beginning and we’ll call it even for making you watch Rocky last week.”

I stared at the man.

He was serious.

Dean Winchester wanted to watch a chick-flick?

I think the apocalypse is nigh.

“Well last time I checked, I watched _all three_ Rocky movies, so you’d still owe me two…but since it’s a chick-flick, I _might_ consider calling us even” I said, playing off my shock.

Dean smirked at me and chuckled.

“Well we’ll see how this movie fairs and _I_ might consider owing you those two anyways” he countered, holding out his hand.

“Deal” I agreed and shook his hand.

“Good, now restart the movie and buck up, my ass is in the middle of two cushions” he griped.

Snorting, I shook my head and restarted the movie, getting and scooting all the way to the end of the couch. Dean then scooted on the cushion I just vacated, awfully close to me, and shoveled in more popcorn.

This was going to be an interesting experience, I was sure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m surprised that I actually liked it” Dean said, standing and stretching, after the movie was over.

I bit my lip at the expanse of skin that had just peeked between the bottom of Dean’s t-shirt and his jeans.

I coughed and looked away, getting up too.

“I told you it was a good one” I said with a smile, turning everything off and grabbing the empty popcorn bowl from the ottoman.

“Any movie you say is good, has been. You have good taste in movies, Kris” Dean smiled at me. “I’m just glad I gave that one a chance.”

“Gave what a chance?” Sam asked, stepping into the room. He glanced at the remote in my hand and the empty bowl in the other. “Aw man, I missed movie night?” he pouted.

“It was just The Mummy” I smoothly lied to my friend.

Hey, if Dean wasn’t going to give me shit about watching a chick-flick, the least I could do was not give his brother fuel to give Dean shit.

Besides, we did watch The Mummy, only it was last night.

“Why would you have to give that one a chance?” Sam asked his brother. “You like Egypt and all that curse shit.”

“Yeah but it was a Fraser flick and he’s a douchebag” Dean said and Sam nodded in agreement.

“Ok well, then I’m not sad I missed that one. It was alright but not a favorite of mine. I came in here to ask about dinner…none of us went shopping today” Sam reminded me.

“Shit” I frowned.

 _That_ was what I was taking a shower and getting dressed to do.

Then I got sidetracked by Dean and chick-flicks.

“I’m sorry Sammy, I had every plan on going today” I sighed.

“It’s alright Kris” Sam put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “You’re not the only one who lives here, you shouldn’t be the only one to make food runs.”

“Well it’s too late now” Dean said, glancing at his watch. “Why don’t we head up to Bangers-n-Mash and get some grub and a few drinks.”

Now _that_ was like Dean to suggest a pub for a place to eat.

It was no surprise what _else_ his mind was on.

I had been weeks since he had hooked up with anyone.

I was sure the man was getting blue balls.

“Yeah ok, I like their fries” Sam agreed.

“Kris?” Dean turned to me now.

I hesitated.

Granted, I hadn’t left the bunker in over a month and having a cold one did sound good…did I want all the good times I have had with Dean this past month, to be washed away by heartache when I watched him leaving with a blonde and a smug smile?

“Come on Kris” Dean pleaded with me, taking a hold of my shoulders. “Don’t you want to leave the bunker for a night? Even Batman leaves his Batcave for a while” he smirked.

I rolled my eyes at his nerdy reference, making him laugh.

“Alright” I conceded and he jeered, clapping me on my shoulders.

Honestly, I didn’t have it in me to take his mickey away.

I was a masochist like that.

“Great” he clapped his hands together. “So, everyone get dressed and meet in the garage in ten minutes” he said and headed off towards his bedroom.

Sam however, stayed right next to me.

“You alright Kris?” he asked me, tilting my chin up to make me meet his eyes.

“I don’t know” I honestly admitted.

Sam nodded as if he understood and pulled me into a tight hug.

“No matter what happens tonight, Dean’s right, you need to get outta here for a while. We all do” he smiled softly at me, gently bopping me on the nose.

Sam _did_ get it and get me, as he almost always did.

“Alright, Bean Pole, Ima gettin’’” I slanged, making him laugh heartedly.

“Not fast enough, Short Stack” he shoved me playfully, and headed off after his brother, still laughing.

Laughing as well, I headed the opposite direction towards my bedroom.

When I joined the boys’ Hunter Family, they both agreed that I should get the bigger bedroom that had the adjoining bathroom in it. It was more than kind of them to give me such a big room, but they both had their reasons for giving it to me. Dean sniped that girls need an adjoining bathroom, or the men would always be waiting while Sam said I saved them the trouble of fighting over who would get it.

Either way, I loved having my own bathroom and having that privacy.

Walking into my bedroom, I closed the door and stared at my closet.

What was I going to wear?

As my landed on my little black dress, a plan was formulating in my mind.

Why did Dean have to be the only one to get laid?

I was reasonably attractive and knew how to flaunt what I was blessed with to get what I wanted.

Granted, I hadn’t had sex in months, but why not?

Because I was holding onto a flame for a man who burned me constantly with it?

Enough was enough.

I needed to get over my feelings for Dean.

So, if Dean didn’t care about me like that, I’d find a guy who did.

Even if it was just for the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The night started out as usual.

The three of us got a table together, ate food and drank through two rounds.

I got up to get a refill and a blonde had taken my seat.

Typical.

So, I sat at the bar, far enough away from Dean so I didn’t have to hear his slick lies and the incessant giggling of another dumb blonde who would do _anything_ just to get Dean to fuck her.

Also, it was karaoke night, so I wanted to sit closer to the stage. There wasn’t a better distraction than listening to people hack up classic rock songs.

I happened to look over to catch the score of the Cowboys game and noticed a hot guy checking me out. He winked at me and held up his bottle of beer. I passed him a shy smile and did the same.

“You gonna get up there and sing, sweetheart?” he asked me over some woman hacking up a Heart song.

“Nope” I leaned in to respond. “This place isn’t ready for my talents yet.”

The man laughed and held out a hand “Jack.”

“Kristen” I said, shaking his hand. “You gonna get up there?”

Jack shook his head. “I know I’m a rock star, at least an hour every day in my car. I don’t need a stage to prove it.”

I laughed at his wit and turned my stool so it was facing him instead of the stage.

“So, what’s a gruff guy like you doing in a handsome bar like this” I teased, making him laugh again.

Hey, maybe I wasn’t so horrible at this flirting thing after all.

“Funny, I was going to ask you the same” he smirked. “I was passing through town and happened to find the name of this fine establishment hilarious. Had to stop in just to say I did.”

“I come here often” I smirked, making Jack chuckle at my wit.

“What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve heard?” the man asked me.

“Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I see myself in your pants” I responded and Jack’s jaw dropped.

“Seriously?” he asked me in shock.

“Seriously” I nodded. “Sufficed to say, it was not a mirror in my pocket but rather mace.”

Jack laughed good and hard at that.

“You have skill and wit…I like that” he smiled softly at me, leaning in closer.

“I like that you like that about me” I returned his smile and expected us to kiss.

Instead his cell phone went off.

“Sorry” he frowned, looking down at the number. “I have to take this.”

And with that, he was gone.

Sure, I was disappointed that nothing happened and even more so as the minutes went by and he never came back, but if anything, I learned that if I allowed myself, I could turn off Shy Mary and turn on Seductive Sally with a switch of a dial.

I just needed to have more confidence in myself and my skills.

“You look like you need a refill” I heard from the other side of me and I turned to see Dean standing there with a tumbler of amber liquid in his hand.

I glanced down at my dry whiskey, surprised to see it gone.

“Thanks” I said, taking the glass from him and setting it on the counter, turning to face him completely.

It had been ten whole minutes.

Either Jack wasn’t coming back or he wasn’t interested in me.

“Everything ok?” Dean asked me, placing his hand on mine, stopping them from playing with my glass.

I hadn’t known I was doing that.

“Sure” I said, sighing a little.

Ok, so maybe I was more hurt than I had thought about Jack’s rejection.

“You ok?” I asked Dean. “You come over to get the keys from me?”

I took a healthy swig from the glass because here was the heartache coming.

“Why would I need the keys?” Dean frowned.

“Um, because you have _other_ plans for the night” I hedged, glancing over at the blonde that had taken my spot at the table.

Dean, following my eyes to where I was looking, snorted and shook his head.

“I’m doing the plans I have for the night” he replied.

My eyes snapped to his and indeed, he didn’t look anything other than he had when we were all sitting together at the table.

I looked over at the blonde, who come to think of it, looked steaming, absolutely pissed.

Dean had shot her down.

Why?

“Why what?” Dean asked me.

Shit, that was aloud.

“Why don’t you have other plans?” my mouth asked without my permission.

“Kristen, I told you of my plans before we left” Dean said, sounding utterly confused. “I wanted us all to eat and to get a few drinks. We’ve been cooped up in the bunker…”

“Bar nights are nights that you hook up with random women” I interrupted him, shocked by my lack of mouth filter.

Must be the whiskey or maybe it was the five beers I had before it.

Dean didn’t know what to say to that, so I kept talking.

“It doesn’t matter to me Dean. Do what you want to do, you always do. We had our family mealtime together, you might as well have some fun now” I said, sliding the keys towards him. “Me and Sam can find a ride back into town like usual.”

“I am doing what I want to do Kris” Dean finally said. “I want to be here with you, listening to caterwauling” he gestured to the stage. “I don’t want to hook up and I made that clear to her” he added.

“Why don’t you Dean?” I said, surprised by the surge of anger that just overtook me. “That’s what you do, that’s your MO.”

“Well maybe I don’t want it to be, not anymore” he snapped at me.

“And why is that?” I snapped back.

Dean huffed and clenched his jaw shut.

Clearly, he wasn’t going to tell me why he was acting out of character.

But that was ok.

I was going to give it to him straight, everything I’ve been holding back for the last month.

“Listen” I said, leaning in closer to the man, quieting my tone but making my words harsher at the same time “I don’t want to be the reason you deny yourself pleasure. I’m tired of you not being yourself lately. You hardly tinker with your cars anymore, you’ve interjected yourself into nearly every single facet of my life whereas you’d completely ignore me for days at a time before, you’re watching chick-flicks and reading books in the library…you’re not being you and it’s weirding me out. Yes, I saved you from that bullet and yes, I almost died. But I didn’t and you’re ok and I’d do it again if I was given the chance. You don’t owe me shit and you need to stop feeling guilty or whatever the hell it is your feeling.”

Dean stared at me wide-eyed for a moment before he snorted.

“You think this is about the case and your injuries?” he finally asked.

“What the hell else is it about? What could have you so worked up that you’re not yourself anymore? Christo” I added for good measure.

“I’m not possessed, Kristen” Dean glared at me.

“Well you could’ve fooled me. Are you going to tell me what’s going on or not?” I demanded.

Dean folded his arms across his chest and clenched his jaw shut.

“Fine” I said, getting up from my stool. “Don’t tell me. Keep it bottled up inside so it blows up later. I’m sure I’ll find out then. Your rages are usually aimed at me” I seethed and stormed off to the bathroom.

It was a low blow, I know it was, but it was also the truth and I didn’t care if it hurt the man.

Dean always bottled up his feelings until they burst and I was usually the unfortunate one to be in the line of fire when it happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coming out of the bathroom, feeling refreshed, but not relieved, I walked into the pub and leaned against a door jamb. My seat was taken up by a couple and I couldn’t see a free one for miles. It was getting later, so the pub was filling up fast.

“There you are” Sam said, worry thick in his voice. “I couldn’t find you anywhere.”

“Went to the bathroom to gather my thoughts” I admitted.

Sam nodded at that.

“I guessed as much. I saw Grumpy just minutes before I saw you. You guys have a row?”

I nodded.

“Of course we did. That’s all we ever do lately, especially while we’re at bars” I sighed.

“What was it about this time?” Sam asked.

I just looked at the man, so he snorted.

“Of course you wouldn’t know. Dean never shares and tells with the class” he guessed and I nodded again.

“He said he turned down that blonde who took up my seat when I left for another beer” I informed him.

“He did. Quite brutally too” Sam frowned.

This was news to me.

Not only had Dean turned down a woman’s company, but he did so in the presence of his brother.

“So I asked him why. And why has been so weird lately” I shrugged.

“And he didn’t answer” Sam guessed and I nodded again. “Well that doesn’t surprise me really, we were raised to tamp down our feelings and push through them. Very rarely did we act on them.”

“That’s horrible” I frowned.

“It’s a hunter’s life for children” Sam shrugged. “No childish fantasies growing up. Nothing but the real world and the horrors that were around the corner. Dad was the hardest on Dean because he had to be both caregiver and savior to me. He wasn’t allowed to have opinions or feelings about things. He had to put up and shut up…dad’s words, not mine.”

“Well your dad wins dad of the year award” I snarked and Sam cracked a smile and laughed.

Then he took a deep breath.

“Look, I get that the man frustrates you. He _infuriates_ me and I know the skeletons that are in his closet” Sam sighed. “Just have patience with him. The one thing Dean Winchester can’t do is feelings. But don’t tell him I said that.”

I smiled and zipped up my lips, making Sam chuckle at me.

Just then I heard the riff of an Air Supply song start up and wondered who would be hacking up another one of my favorites.

Suddenly, Sam spit-takes all over me.

“Jesus Sammy” I scolded the man, wiping my face off with my jacket sleeve, only it was covered with beer too.

Sam grabbed my chin with firm fingers and manhandled my head to look towards the stage.

There, standing right in the middle, behind the microphone, for all to see, was Dean Winchester.

“I know just how to whisper and I know just how to cry. I know just where to find the answers and I know just how to lie. I know just how to fake it and I know just how to scheme. I know just when to face the truth and then I know just when to dream.”

At this point, Dean started to look around and instinct told me he was looking for me.

My feet moved before I could tell them to and soon I was in Dean’s line of sight.

He homed in on me and locked eyes with mine.

“And I know just where to touch you and I know just what to prove. I know when to pull you closer and I know when to let you loose. And I know the night is fading and I know the time’s gonna fly. And I’m never gonna tell you everything I’ve gotta tell you but I know I’ve gotta give it a try. And I know the roads to riches and I know the ways to fame. I know all the rules and then I know how to break ‘em and I always know the name of the game. But I don’t know how to leave you and I’ll never let you fall. And I don’t know how you do it, making love out of nothing at all.”

At this point he let the background music sing the rest of the “out of nothing at all” that were in the bridge.

“Every time I see you all the rays of the sun are streaming through the waves in your hair. And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes like a spotlight. The beating of my heart is a drum and it’s lost and it’s looking for a rhythm like you. You can take the darkness at the pit of the night and turn it into a beacon burning endlessly bright. I’ve gotta follow it because everything I know, well it’s nothing until I give it to you.”

At this point, Dean jumped down from the stage and approached me…still singing his heart out.

“I can make the runner stumble. I can make the final block. I can make every tackle at the sound of a whistle and I can make all the stadiums rock. I can make tonight forever or I can make it disappear by the dawn. I can make you every promise that has ever been made and I can make all your demons be gone” he smirked at that.

He had been totally rocking out, belting out amazing notes that I never knew he had in him.

But this last part, he crooned it to me, soft and heartbreakingly intimate.

“But I’m never gonna make it without you. Do you really want to see me crawl? And I’m never gonna make it like you do, making love out of nothing at all.”

We just stared at each other.

I didn’t know where to begin with any of that.

Then the place burst out into loud applause and people started to come forwards to congratulate him.

We got separated, but that was good because I needed some air.

I made my way through the crowd and flung open the back door, heading down the fire escape and into the parking lot.

Moments later, I heard the door slam open and Dean was calling after me.

I ignored him, on a mission to find the Impala.

I was going home…where I could process what just happened and hide myself away from the world.

“Kristen” I heard Dean’s voice much closer now and hurried my steps, reaching into my pocket for the keys.

I patted down all the pockets on my dress and jacket, checking the last one just as I reached Black Beauty.

“Looking for these?” Dean asked, holding up his keys for me to see.

Dammit, I had given them back to him earlier.

So much for my great escape.

“Give them to me Dean” I said, fuming.

“You’re just gonna leave? Leave me and Sam here?” he asked me, shocked.

“You’re big boys now, I’m sure you can find a ride. Maybe one of your many admirers could give you a lift” I snarked.

“You’re mad that I sang to you?” he frowned.

“Yes” I snapped. “No” I added. “I don’t know” I threw up my hands in frustration. “How do you want me to feel Dean?”

“I don’t know, honored that I did that for you. Proud that I had the guts to do it” he shrugged, stepping a little closer to me.

“Fine Dean, I’m proud that you did something, yet _again_ , out of character for you and got onto a stage a sung a song. Congratulations for confusing me some more” I snapped at the man, clapping a dramatic slow sarcastic clap.

I knew I was being a bitch, but I was at the end of my rope with the man.

Either he was getting hung or I was hanging myself.

“Don’t, Kris” Dean frowned at me.

“Don’t what, Dean!” I hollered at the man. “I don’t know what you want from me. I want answers, answers to questions you decided to answer with a song. A song that could be taken dozens of ways. Why that song? What are you trying to say to me?”

“I thought the song would clear everything up” Dean off-handedly replied.

“Well it didn’t and you have two seconds to start talking or I’m hitching my own ride home” I threatened.

“Kristen” he sighed.

“Time’s up” I said and turned on my heel to see if someone was around to give me a ride.

“Wait” Dean said, grabbing my arm and spinning me to face him. “The thing you have to understand…” he trailed off, looking frustrated and pissed.

“Just say it!” I screeched at him.

“I love you!” he shouted at me, squeezing my arm to punctuate his words.

This stopped me dead in my tracks.

“I love you but I have no idea how to tell you that I do” he continued and released me, rubbing his face roughly.

It silent for a long time.

I watched the man pace with utter turmoil in every step.

Finally, I broke the stunned silence.

“Seems to me like you like you do” I said quietly and Dean stopped pacing, in order to face me.

“I guess I did” he smirked and then sighed. “But there’s so much more to say…” he trailed off, growling to himself and pulling at his spikes.

“Well you’ve got the keys, so I’ve got nothing but time” I replied, folding my arms across my chest, afraid to say or do anything that would cause the man to shut down once again.

I had to be dreaming.

There was no way in hell Dean Winchester loved me.

None.

I was nothing special and he deserved so much more than I could ever offer him.

“I don’t know when it happened, when my crush on you turned into more than that, but I can tell you when I first realized that I loved you…what?” he frowned at my expression.

“You had a crush on me?” I asked the man, absolutely flabbergasted at the news.

“Of course I did. Even Sam had a thing for you when we first met. But I kyboshed it by calling dibs on you” he chuckled and then frowned at me. “You do know how amazingly hot you are, don’t you Kristen? I mean on a scale of one to ten, you’re an eleven.”

“No I don’t. I don’t think of myself like that at all. I’m just plain jane” I shyly replied.

“Plain Jane?” Dean raised his voice. “There is nothing plain about you, Kristen! Nothing at all” he heatedly said. “Taking away your stunning beauty…you’re incredible. You’re hilarious and witty and sarcastic and so fucking smart. You’re so talented and brave. The same strong hands that can kill werewolves can also be skilled to repair motors and gentle to do stitch work. You don’t sweat the small things and you take nothing for granted. You’re passionate in everything you do and really want to help people. You care and you give a damn. You value honesty and know that respect is earned, not taken. Things are not black and white to you and you give people a second chance. You also give them the benefit of the doubt. Your inside is more beautiful than your outside…and your outside is totally stunning.”

“I honestly don’t know what to say to that Dean” I frowned at the tears filling my eyes. “I don’t feel worthy of even _half_ of what you just said.”

“I know you don’t and that’s partially my fault” he sighed, rubbing his face roughly. “See the thing you have to understand about my upbringing…about my dad…is that once mom died, dad died too. Or at least a part of him did. The part of loving, gentle, kind, understanding and patient John, died that night along with mom. I stopped being his son and started being his soldier. Everything was ‘yes sir’ and ‘no sir’, no exceptions. Sam is the only one who calls him dad. He never wanted this life for Sam. Sam was to grow up safe and sound, thinking there were no monsters and evil in the world. He was supposed to go off to college, get a job, get married and have kids. While I, I was just to be his soldier…” he trailed off, clearly still upset about the raw hand he was dealt.

Then he cleared his throat.

“I don’t blame Sam, of course. I never have and never will. It’s not his fault dad’s a tyrant and I was raised a warrior while he was allowed to be a child. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make” he sighed and took a moment to collect his thoughts. “I was raised to put up and shut up. Anything I felt, any doubts I had, any opinions on what to do, any feelings I was feeling, it all had to be bottled up and buried deep down. So, after years of doing this, it’s just instinct that as soon as I feel something, I bury right away. Which is what happened with you. I don’t know when my carnal feelings for you turned into real ones, but I realized it the night you took that bullet for me. You were dying Kristen” he said in a choked off voice full of turmoil “and though you didn’t _die_ , you _were_ dying, in my arms. And I knew I just couldn’t live in a world that you weren’t in. Now I didn’t tell Sam this, but I was considering doing some terrible things, anything to bring you back to me. I didn’t actually do any of them” he hastily added, addressing my look of concern “I didn’t have to. You made it to the hospital and survived surgery. You were going to be alright, no complications.”

I swallowed hard and looked away from the man.

I hadn’t told them what the doctors had to do in order to save my life, what they needed to remove in order for me to live.

It was my personal business and the guys didn’t need any more heartache because of me, so I kept it to myself.

“But watching the life slowly slip from your eyes” Dean started up again and my eyes met his once more “the terror that I felt, it wasn’t the same as when Sam had knocked on death’s doorstep. I couldn’t breathe, I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, constricting my lungs and making it impossible to breathe…”

“You were having a panic attack” I guessed, knowing the symptoms well, as I used to suffer from them long ago when I first got into hunting.

“I was” he nodded. “And I was having it because of you. When Sam was dying, I wanted to prevent his death because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my brother. When you were dying, I wanted to die right along with you, so I didn’t have to live without you. That’s when I realized that I loved you, that I really and truly was gone for you, had been for a very long time. And once I knew that, there was no tamping it back down. So _that’s_ why I’ve been acting so weird, so unlike me. I’m in love with a woman I had no business falling in love with and had no clue if she could ever feel the same about me too.”

The way he said it, it was as if he knew how I felt about him.

But that was stupid.

How could the man know I loved him too?

Sam would never say anything to him.

And of course, I never would admit it aloud.

The only other way he could’ve known…

Oh. My. God.

My diary.

I quickly replayed this afternoon in my head.

I had left it out on the table in the library while I showered. Dean was in the library when I went back for it. It wasn’t in the same place I remembered leaving it. It was locked yes, but Dean could pick his way out of handcuffs, a cheap diary lock would be nothing for him to pick.

And his book, the Egyptology book in his hands...it was upside down.

“You bastard!” I said, smacking his arm hard. “How dare you read that! It’s my personal property and you had no right to go through it!” I finished my rant by repeatedly hitting the man, anywhere I could reach.

Until he grabbed my wrists and turned me, so I was pinned against the Impala, arms above my head.

“I didn’t read it all, Kristen, I would never do that” he spoke over my protests, pressing me hard against the cool metal of the car underneath me. “I didn’t even realize it was a personal diary until I read the page you bookmarked, your last entry. I thought it was your hunter journal. Once I realized that it was your personal diary, I closed it immediately and locked it. You walked in not too long after that.”

“So you didn’t read it?” I asked the man, cocking my eyebrow at him, daring him to lie to me.

I was the only one to ever be able to read through the man’s lies.

Dean Winchester couldn’t lie to me and he knew that.

“I only read what you wrote today, about how odd I had been acting lately and how confused you were by my sudden interest in you and your activities. Other than that, I didn’t read anything. I swear to god, Kris” he promised me.

“Then why the song? You’re acting as if you know my deepest desires” I whispered, aware of the intimate and sexual position we were currently standing in.

Sighing, Dean closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against mine.

“When Sam was driving Baby, racing to get you to the nearest hospital, I was in the backseat with you. You were cradled on my lap, gasping for breath. Your last words to me were ‘love you Dean Bean’. You didn’t say another thing until you came to after your surgery” I felt a tear hit my collarbone and I knew the man was crying.

It was a long moment before he spoke again.

“The whole entire time you were under, I was playing your words over and over in my mind. What did she mean by that? Did she love me like I hope she did? Was she just saying it because she was dying? What kind of love did she feel for me? When you woke up, you didn’t act any differently towards me, so I figured you didn’t know or remember saying that to me.”

“I don’t” I confessed and Dean nodded.

“Which is ok. It doesn’t matter how you meant it or why you said it. It doesn’t change the fact that I love you and I can only hope that one day, maybe, you could love me back” he breathed, locking eyes with mine.

“Silly man” I sighed, pulling my wrists free of his grasp and cupping his face in my hands. “I can’t fall in love with you” I said and he nodded, starting to pull away from me.

I kept my grip firm on his face and made him meet my eyes again.

“I can’t fall in love with you because I already am in love with you, Dean” I smiled softly. “I fell in love with you long ago. It’s kinda hard to do something for the first time when you’ve already done it.”

Dean just stared at me like I had just smacked him across his face.

“You seriously love me…like _love_ love me?” he breathed.

“Yes Dean, I _love_ love you” I chuckled at his choice of words.

“Why?” Dean surprised me by saying. “Why on earth would you love me, Kristen? I’ve given you nothing to go on. I’ve not encouraged you in any way. I haven’t ever told you how much you mean to me and how much it kills me to leave you behind on a hunt. _This_ is why I sung that song to you, because _I_ don’t know how you do it, making love out of nothing at all.”

“The heart wants what the heart wants, Dean” I smirked.

It was a phrase that I personally hated, but suited the moment perfectly.

“You can’t control who you fall in love with or when it happens” I said to the man. “If anyone is more incredible than they give themselves credit for, it’s you Dean Winchester. And if you want an itemized list of why I love you, I’ll be happy to provide you with one. But it shouldn’t matter why I love you, just that I do.”

“Honestly, I’m dying to know why someone as incredible as you could love someone as damaged as me, but I’m much more interested in what we should do about it” he said with a smirk.

“Do about it?” I repeated, swallowing hard.

“Yes, Kris” he purred, leaning in and pressing me harder to the Impala. “What are we going to do about our mutual attraction?”

“I honestly don’t know. I never expected you to feel the same” I whispered against his cheek.

“Well what do you _want_ to happen?” Dean breathed, running his nose along my cheek, tracing my chin with it.

I grabbed his face and made him meet my eyes.

I wanted to know what _he_ wanted.

“Anything you want, it’s yours, Kris” he promised me.

And his reflected that promise and so much more.

“Take me home, Dean” I asked of the man.

Dean leaned into me and nudged my mouth gently with his nose.

I could feel the restraint in his tight muscles pressed against me.

Dean wanted nothing more than to pin me against Black Beauty and kiss me senseless.

But he would do as I asked, because he loved me that much.

God, Dean loved me.

“Oh Jesus, get a room you two” we heard shouted at us.

We broke apart to see Sam standing nearby, looking at us in disbelief, but with happiness in his eyes.

“Oh, we plan to Sammy” Dean smirked, hefting himself off of me and helping me back to my feet. “You want a ride home?” he jangled the keys at his brother.

“Actually, I made other plans for the night” he said shyly, nodding to a pretty brunette who waved at the pair of us.

“That’s my boy” Dean laughed and punched Sam in the shoulder.

“Whatever dude. Don’t wait up for me” Sam called over his shoulder, making his way to the woman’s motorcycle, where she sat on it waiting for him, handing him a helmet when he approached her.

With a rev of the engine and a honk of her horn, she took off into the night, a grinning Sam Winchester clutching her tightly from behind.

“Sam has a thing for bad girls” Dean smirked and met my eyes again. “And yes, that includes you” he winked at me.

“You know I can ride a motorcycle?” I asked him surprised.

“I actually didn’t” Dean said in honest surprise. “I was talking about your badass exterior and your kickass hunting skills. You ride?”

“I do. Two days before I ran into you guys, I sold my bike for money. Better her than myself” I shrugged, still missing my gorgeous bike even though it’s been three years.

“Well we’ll have to get you one, I’ve always wanted to ride” Dean said and I could see the heat in his eyes.

“You have a thing for bad girls too?” I smirked.

“I have a thing for you, Kris” Dean said, walking me to the passenger side of the car. 

“Well then it’s good that I have a thing for you too then” I said and climbed into the car, thanking the man for holding my door open for me.

Chivalrous Dean Winchester?

If I’m dreaming, let me sleep!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once we got back to the bunker, we parted ways.

I needed to take a shower and wash Sam’s spit-take beer from off me.

Not to mention I needed some me time to collect my thoughts.

I just could not wrap my mind around Dean loving me.

Why all the women if he had feelings for me?

Was he drunk tonight and thought a confessional was what I wanted to hear?

Did he say all of that just to get laid?

But why me when he had a beautiful blonde taker?

Growling in frustration, I opened the door to my bedroom, and was surprised to see Dean sitting on my bed, clearly waiting for me.

“We gotta stop meeting like this” he smirked, gesturing to my toweled state.

“Well I don’t normally wear a towel when I come out of my bathroom. That’s the beauty of a master suite” I said shyly.

“Well I’m glad you did come out in a towel. Had you not, I can’t guarantee that I could’ve kept my hands off of you” Dean said in a breathy tone.

It was obvious that he was thinking about me naked.

“And you can guarantee me that now?” I asked the man, challenging him with my eyebrow.

“You know I can’t” Dean admitted, flexing his hands into fists and pressing them hard into my mattress.

“What if I don’t want you to keep them off of me?” I asked, leaning against my wall, releasing my wet hair from my towel, sending my red locks cascading over my shoulders.

“Talk first, then you can decide if you want my hands on you” the man said in a tightly controlled voice.

“Alright” I said, sitting down across from him and crossing my legs so as not to expose myself to the man. “Let’s talk. Why did you say you loved me?”

“Because I do” Dean answered with a “duh” tone to his voice. “Why did you say it back?”

“Because I do love you, way longer than I should” I admitted, playing with the tips of my hair. “Why do you sleep around if you have feelings for me?”

Dean hesitated before answering.

“Because I never thought I ever stood a chance with you. They were always blonde because there’s only one redhead I wanted in my life” he answered honestly.

And in a backwards perverse way, that was touching.

At least it made sense to me, coming from Dean Winchester.

“Did it break your heart when I’d leave with a blonde?” he asked me and then rolled his eyes at himself. “Of course it did, stupid question. Why still harbor feelings for me when all I do is break your heart?”

“That’s not all you do, Dean” I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I still love you because of the between times…the rides in Black Beauty where we blasted classic rock and sung off-key, the trips to diners to test out their claims of ‘world’s best pie’, the games of tic-tac-toe in the backseat while we make Sammy drive, the carnivals we’d sneak into, the snowball fights and water balloon fights we’d have…” I trailed off and grinned at the man.

“We have had some good times, haven’t we?” he smirked, chuckling too.

“We have” I confirmed. “For every time you broke my heart, I could count two that you built it back up. _That’s_ why I still love you Dean” I shrugged.

I struggled with the next question I wanted to ask the man.

It was the pivotal one, the one that would make or break us.

“If we, were to, you know…” I gestured to the bed.

Dean chuckled.

“If you can’t say it out loud then you’re not old enough to have it” he chided me.

“If we have sex” I boldly said, making Dean meet my eyes “is that it? Is that what you want from this” I placed a hand on my chest. “You say you love me, what does that mean to you? What do you want from me, Dean?” I breathed, aware tears were streaming down my cheeks.

Dean got up from my bed, approached me, grabbed my knees and opened my legs, only to kneel between them, getting as close as he could to me. In a gentle manner, one I had no idea the man possessed, he cupped my face gingerly and wiped away my tears with gentle thumb strokes.

“Loving you means everything to me Kristen” he whispered in a heartbreakingly honest tone. “It means that I don’t want to live in a world that you’re not in. It means I would travel to hell and back, just to stay at your side. It means that I would rather die, than hurt you anymore. It means I can’t do this alone, not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to. It means there will never be another woman for me, you’re it. You’re all I need in life. Loving you means I will do everything in my power, move heaven and hell, just to make you happy. What does loving me mean to you?”

The question floored me.

What _did_ loving Dean Winchester mean to me?

“It means the world to me Dean. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me going. I had no idea how tough it would be to be a hunter. I had no clue that the faces of victims would haunt me in my dreams, innocents who died because I was too late or not close enough. I didn’t know that enemies would succeed in killing me in my nightmares, that I would wake up panicked in a cold sweat because I watched myself die. But through every one of those times, you were there, holding me, telling me it was going to get better, encouraging me not to give up and push on. Loving you, Dean Winchester, gives me hope for a better tomorrow, a better life. Not just for me, but for everyone.”

To my surprise, a tear rolled down Dean’s cheek.

And to my greater surprise, I leaned in and kissed it away from his warm skin.

He gasped and turned, so our lips ghosted together.

“What do you want from me, Dean?” I asked the man again.

“I want all of you…mind, body and heart. I want you to be my one and only and I want to be yours. Life partners, lovers, boyfriend/girlfriend, significant others…however you want to label us, I want it all. Tell me you want it too, Kristen. Tell me what you want from me” he commanded of me, his nose running sensually along my cheek, making my thighs clench in anticipation.

“I want all of you too, Dean…heart, mind and definitely body” I said and he chuckled sexily in my ear. “I want you to be my only and I want you to be my only. But I need you to promise me something” I said, pulling back from his touch.

“Anything” he replied.

“Promise me that I’m not dreaming and that you’ll be here in the morning” I breathed.

“You’re not dreaming, Kris” Dean said with a smile. “And I promise you I will still be here in the morning and every morning to come” he vowed.

I listened to the man’s promised, but I considered his eyes more.

They could never hide the truth from me.

And right now, Dean was being as honest as I had ever seen him.

“Then I still want your hands on me” I declared.

Dean looked me up and down like I was a cherished prize he had worked hard to earn and didn’t know where to hold me.

That, or that I was dinner and he was ordering the best meal he would ever have.

“Just…” I hesitated when he reached out for me. “Go slow, at first” I added, blushing deeply. “It’s been awhile for me and I’m kinda nervous.”

“Why are you nervous?” Dean asked me with humor in his voice.

“Well I just got my only wish granted, right? I get you all to myself? That’s a heady thing to wrap my head around” I shyly admitted.

Dean just stared at me dumbfounded.

“I swear to god I don’t deserve you Kris” he surprised me by saying.

Then he cupped my face and without further ado, crushed his lips to mine in a mind-blowing, world-altering, earth-shattering passionate kiss. 

I could _feel_ his love for me.

Taste his lust for my body.

God, if kissing the man was so incredible, how the hell was I supposed to survive sex with him?

“Jesus, fuck” Dean gasped as our kiss broke.

We both panted heavily, foreheads pressed together.

“With a kiss like that, I feel like the apocalypse is nigh” I breathed and Dean laughed good and hard at that.

“My thoughts exactly, Kris” he grinned at me.

I made to kiss him again, but he pulled back.

“Confessional?” he said and I nodded for him to continue. “That guy that was flirting with you at the pub tonight? I had Cass fake an important call to his cell phone and made him leave the bar.”

Dean immediately winced, as if he was expecting my wrath.

I just laughed.

In a round-about way, it was a cute way to handle his jealousy.

“You’re not mad?” Dean asked me.

I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

“I find it cute” I giggled.

Dean grinned at me.

“And this is why I know that my love for you is real…you called me cute and I didn’t get pissed” he mused.

“Crazy little thing called love” I sing-songed and he laughed.

“I do love you Kristen…with all that I have to give” he promised me.

“And I love you, Dean…with all that I have to give” I promised him in return. “Now shut up and kiss me, Winchester.”

“Yes ma’am” Dean smirked and crushed his lips to mine, obliging my wishes.


End file.
